Mary's recent post prompted some thoughts of my own on longevity and sobriety. It was also prompted by recent shares at the beginners meeting I have been attending for these last few months.
There is as most of us know an unspoken rule in AA that you do not mention how long you have been sober, especially if it means saying years in to double digits. I've never seen this rule written down anywhere nor heard it mentioned in a meeting as part of the opening format but it is there. I think for myself it stems from an inability to state the plain truth without feeling as though a person were preening and also courting the resentment of younger members. In other words it's about humility, or lack of. Steps 6&7 spring to mind here. Its about being able to state the simple truth, without that affecting who I am or how I see myself . So, you will find that my sobriety date is placed at the top of my blog and that I am some way past 22 years of sobriety.
Now I never set out to be 22years and a bit sober, never even thought about that, but one day at a time as they say, that's the way it has turned out, and I guess that's the same for most people.
For some reason this seems to rankle a certain section of our society, mainly in truth people who have maintained sobriety for a few years, or months or even weeks. This group it seems have no compunction in saying sobriety isn't about how long you have been sober, we are only sober for today. Which IS true. But then they always tag on a little more and complain that they are feeling got at for not having, indeed wanting a sponsor. Not having DONE the steps,whatever that means, but they are content with step one and not drinking, but feel that people are getting at them when those people share about trying to practice the steps in their lives. They don't do that and no one has the right to tell them to do that or make them feel guilty for not doing it.
I agree that in these parts the birthday share did get out of hand, mainly propogated by people hwo had a deep desire to be liked. So when a person had their birthday, they went on tour from meeting to meeting, spreading words of wisdom and receiving untold plaudits, mainly from the same people, and consuming vast quantities of chocolate cake. It did get out of hand and has I hope been curtailed somewhat.
As an aside, the best birthday share I ever heard was of a woman who was celebrating 6 years sobriety and was known for her depressing shares. As she came to the end of yet another catalogue of misery, it never changed, she stated quite matter of factly, that the only pleasure she had left in her life was the bottle of beer shandy she drank every saturday night. A silence as deep as a coal mine fell on the meeting and was only broken by the secretary opening the meeitng for sharing. At the end, we celebrated the womans grip on total abstinence by singing happy birthday and eating chocolate cake. Such is the stiff upper lip of the British, never let the truth get in the way of doing the right thing.
To wrap this up, before it becomes a diatribe on the ills of the "Young". There was a time, when I first came in, that you paid attention to those who had more experience, not because you wanted to but because it was good manners and you had been brought up that way. So I sat there and listened and thought they were stupid old farts, who had lived their lives and what did they know about today. But they were, invariably older than me, had stayed sober far far longer than me, seemed to know more about the fellowship and AA and not drinking than I did, so I kept my thoughts to myself and my mouth firmly shut. I did what they said to do, because that was my duty, I owed these people respect, they had after all saved my life. I may not have liked them, may have even resented them, but my upbringing, the time I was born in, had taught me never to eat with my mouth open, only speak when you are spoken to and always respect your elders.
So I did as I was told and twenty two years and some months later of a very, very happy life, I still am.
Have a good weekend and take care.
I'm glad I stopped by today. I agree with much of what you wrote. I used to really actually eagerly listen to the people who had stayed sober for a long time.
ReplyDeleteIn much of Texas, they just always say their sobriety date. That takes the pride and the shame right out of it. It is just a fact, like their name when you say it that way.
I want to know how many years of sober experiences you (or anyone else) have had.
ReplyDeleteIf you have 1 month of staying sober, I need to know that too.
well I havent heard of that rule here, but yeah it can be awkward because of the obvious ego massaging opportunities inherent in such disclosures. because I was never impressed by time away from a drink 'of itself' I couldn't really care less how long people are sober, but I take an interest in it for the purposes of trying to understand how recovery works. I do however mention how long I am sober, with the caveat that I have known very sick, and criminally abusive people who have not had a drink for 15-25 years so that years alone mean nothing to me. More as a cautionary tale to them based on my experience than anything else, as I find most recovering alcoholics with good intentions are idealists rather than realists. I wish someone had told me the same when I was new, but I had to figure it out myself after watching aa members lives unravel and horribly derail whilst sober. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your many years of sobriety, Findon! You are a kind and good man, and SB adores you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Irish--years of sobriety tell me something but actions of sobriety tell me a lot more. I am glad that you have both, Findon.
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